Song of the Day

Today's theme song is Regret by New Order. It's a damn fine song. You should listen to it someday.

I don't feel regret very often, but today is one of them. (I'm usually very confident about my decisions, make them, go forward, do the best I can, and accept the negative things that sometimes happen --- and this includes the breaks I have made with my family. I don't regret the bridges I burned with my family. I'm not confident about numerous other things and I guess that has come back to bite me on some occasions, and I hope I can gradually overcome such things and maybe even become better at interacting with people as a result.)

I did some major soul-searching after I got really distressed last night and made a decision that I feel was correct in the long term, even though it bloody sucks right now (especially after going through with it) and I feel worse than I have in probably several years. (I would say this is the worst I've felt since my grandmother died a few years ago and this is a bit different because I had no control over that.) It's amazing how I can simultaneously feel like this and still think I made the right decision.

In some circles, I guess all of this makes me weak. I think it means that I can express some feelings (which is one of my really major weak points --- even people I like don't necessarily know how much I like them!), which I think sometimes even some of my friends might on occasion doubt actually exist.

So, while I can't apologize for doing what I think was right, I can express the desire that I wish I could understand people (especially the ones I care about). I don't think I can understand people at all (even ones who I think I know well) because I'm just so different from everybody else. And maybe if I were better at putting myself in others' shoes, things would be better. And at times like this, I also wish people understood me a little better because the fact that I'm so different from everybody else seems to really cause major problems sometimes.

Usually, I'm able to roll with the punches... but not this time.


Despite the negative tone of this post, let me give some of the reasons I get up in the morning (mostly not in order, but some things are kind of in order):

My friends

Hanging out with my friends

Receiving an awesome home-made picture from a friend that I can proudly display in my office (a picture that I wish I deserved)

Somebody showing that they care about me enough to do something special like that

Hearing about successes from my friends --- whether that is passing a course, getting a paper published, the birth of a child (though I question the wisdom of considering that a success), beating 'Freebird' on expert level, or whatever

Finding out that I'm not totally hopeless in certain respects (even though I may well be mostly hopeless) and that maybe there's a chance (no matter how remote) that some seemingly unreachable dreams can come true.

Knowing that my friends are there for me even when I don't tell them why I happen to need them at a particular moment

Occasionally making baby steps to surmount by social difficulties and the hope that I can one day be able to make bigger steps

Baseball

The Dodgers

Looking at the standings and seeing the Dodgers in first place

Baseball articles and box scores

Good music

Good movies and tv shows

Good books and magazines (fantasy, sci-fi, math, physics, or otherwise)

Games

Caltech

Getting the chance to move back to Caltech

My job (both now and in October, even though I'll be moving away from my friends)

Applied Math (and parts of theoretical physics)

That 'Aha!' moment when a calculation or numerical simulation or whatever finally works after long weeks or months of struggling

Music by A-Ha

Keeping at least some of my sense of humor no matter how shitty I feel (I can't help it...)

Getting theory or numerics to match experiments (ideally with no fitting parameters)

My research students and their successes

Waking up to find out that Democrats are now the majority party in both houses of Congress

Going to cool math and physics conferences and getting booed (for which happened in 2005) or offending people by insulting Republicans too blatantly during my talk (which just happened at Snowbird)

Writing

Witty comments (even when I'm the target)

My MacBook Pro

Getting e-mails or IMs from my friends

Reading my friends' blogs (specific entries excluded) and interacting with them that way as well.

Seeing my book in the Caltech bookstore

Finding out about a new prank (or at least one I didn't know about)

Iced lattes (and other good things of the coffee persuasion)

Being a music snob (for a certain class of music)

Confirming my claim from earlier tonight that the original version of You Really Got Me was indeed by The Kinks. (And finding out that Boingo also covered this song... Dude!)

Occasionally believing in the existence of things and concepts I usually don't (note: this does not include dieties; those never exist)

Going to bed with the hope that maybe I'll gain some wisdom about all of this tomorrow (no matter how shitty I feel about things at the moment)

Inspiration



Well, this isn't me at my best. But it is dedicated to anybody I've ever hurt. You may not like me better after reading this, but I hope you'll at least understand me better.