What kind of monster have I become?

What kind of monster have I become...?

Given recent events and an unforgivable lack of self-control of my anger on my part that has done a great deal of damage, I
am going to need to do some rethinking of how I go about things. In certain situations, I am going to need to somehow gain control of the whole 'I think it, I say it' deal. I think such shooting from the hip usually works fine, but what happened here was definitely made much worse by these aspects of my personality. (The lack of self-control was the more general thing that I royally fucked up here.) I am also going to need to work on my compassion and ability to forgive. (I'll need to work on forgiving myself as well, but that's going to take some time. Right now, I neither ask for nor deserve forgiveness, and I wouldn't blame anybody for never forgiving me for this.) I've never been a forgiving person, but somehow I have grown colder over the years. I never intended for that to happen. I think it happened gradually, but I need to do something about it. Also, the whole self-righteous anger thing in my version of fire and pulpit has to go. After what I have done, I certainly am in no position to judge others (not that I was in any position to do that before, but that certainly didn't stop me).

I want to say as well that the 'damage' refers to damage to someone else who is now currently in the hospital. So I mean real damage, not the trivial things that I might consider as so-called 'damage' on other occasions.

I think I still need to talk things over with people. Gazebo, Janet, and some others have been very helpful in listening to me, but I want to get others' opinions. I'm really glad you guys are my friends, but I'm afraid you've chosen a horrible person in me as a friend. I can't believe how much unintentional evil I am capable of. I hope you'll be able to help me change for the better. I wish it didn't take something like this to make me realize that I needed to do this. I'm going to need your help in fixing these flaws in my personality. I never thought of myself as cold and heartless, but I think I have strayed too far in that direction.

One thing that really scares me is that what I did is basically comparable to any of the worst stuff my father ever did, and I grew up viewing him as a horrible person because of his actions. And now it seems I have become him despite vowing during my childhood that I would never do so. (His weapons were physical violence and mine were words, but there isn't any difference.)

Comments on this should all be private. (Actually, I would like to do the discussions in person rather than via private e-mails.) My reason for writing this entry is that if I stray from this path, I want somebody to remind me to reread this vow. I can't change what happened or unhurt people, but it is in my power to take responsibility, look in the mirror, and make whatever changes are necessary.