Saturday, April 09, 2011

I don't belong anywhere.

I don't actually belong anywhere (I'm pretty convinced of this), but when I'm with my closest friends I can sometimes pretend that I do belong somewhere. :/

Otherwise, I just need to keep myself sufficiently busy and distracted so that my thoughts don't go in these directions.

(By the way, when I write that I don't belong anywhere, this is not any desire to "fit in" or conform but rather to just have things "feel right". I want to feel like I am in the right place, and I rarely ever feel that way. Most of the times that I do feel that way are when I am with a very few people who are special to me, and naturally I get to spend much less time with them than I'd like. Most of the time, I'm sort of just restlessly wandering through the world in between those precious few times that feel right.)


Clarissa said...

Love this post. I don't belong anywhere either. "Community" is a word that always makes me cringe. When people find out where I am from (Ukraine), they always experience this fake sense of contentment because they think they have finally placed me.

However, the only people who actually manage to peg down my identity are the ones who are brave enough to acknowledge that I don't belong to any group and don't come from anywhere specific.

Love your blog and feel happy to be a follower. You know those blogs that begin every post with a list of things that the post's author is (e.g. 'I'm a bisexual half Jewish half French cis-gendered woman')? I really like it that you aren't one of those bloggers.

Mason said...

Clarissa: I'm glad you like the blog, and I appreciate the various comments you've written on it! For a long time, I thought very few people were reading the blog because I get so few comments, but now that blogspot shows me the traffic, I can be less insecure about that at least. :)

The word "community" can make me cringe, though ironically one of the things on which I do research is to algorithmically detect objects called "communities". Oh the irony... [I guess that many of us who study social networks aren't necessarily the best at actually participating in them. :) ]

I agree that pigeonholing people with such a simple designation doesn't do much good. I don't really get along very well with people who aren't more complex than that. I do think, though, that it doesn't take all that long to figure out that I am nowhere near a 'typical' American.

A 'a bisexual half Jewish half French cis-gendered woman' is really quite specific, too! It sounds like some of those people are trying to convince themselves who they are. I think I know who I am, and my nationality, etc. don't even enter into the equation.