Nicolas Bourbaki and The Traveling Wilburys

Nicolas Bourbaki was basically the mathematics version of The Traveling Wilburys.

"Math Prof" (a parody of “Dentist” from Little Shop of Horrors)

“Math Prof”

(a parody of “Dentist” from Little Shop of Horrors)

[MATHEMATICS PROFESSOR]
When I was younger, just a small geeky kid,
My mama noticed nerdy things I did,
Like countin' all the lights in the ceilings
I'd find their patterns, and after these things
I'd create a small maze and see where it led
That's when my mama said

[POSTDOCS]
What did she say?

[MATHEMATICS PROFESSOR]
She said, "My boy, I think someday
You'll find a way
To make your natural tendencies pay
You'll be a math prof
You have a talent for countin’ things up
Son, be a math prof
People will pay you to be all stuck-up
Your temperament's wrong for the priesthood
And business would suit you still less
Son, be a math prof
You'll be a success

[POSTDOCS]
Here he is, folks, the leader of the proof!
Watch him be oh so aloof!
Oh, my god!
He's a math prof and he'll never ever be any good
Who wants a thesis defense with someone in that mood?

[STUDENT]
Oh that hurts! I don’t know!

[MATHEMATICS PROFESSOR]
Oh, shut up. Think faster. Now go!
I am your math prof

[STUDENT]
Goodness gracious!

[MATHEMATICS PROFESSOR]
And I enjoy the career that I picked

[POSTDOCS]
Really love it

[MATHEMATICS PROFESSOR]
I am your math prof

[STUDENT]
Proving theorems

[MATHEMATICS PROFESSOR]
And I get off on the pain I inflict

[POSTDOCS]
Really love it

[MATHEMATICS PROFESSOR]
I thrill when I ask a tough question

[POSTDOCS]
Tough question
[MATHEMATICS PROFESSOR]
It's swell though they tell me I'm maladjusted
And though it may cause my students distress,
Somewhere, somewhere in Heaven above me
I know, I know, that my mama's proud of me
Oh, mama
'Cause I'm a math prof and a success
Say pi!

[STUDENT]
Pi!

[MATHEMATICS PROFESSOR]
Say mu!

[STUDENT]
Mu!

[MATHEMATICS PROFESSOR]
Say nu!

[STUDENT]
Nu!

[MATHEMATICS PROFESSOR]
Now prove it!

Brilliant Headstones

There are some brilliant epitaphs on these tombstones. I have seen a few of them before (such as "I Told You I Was Sick", which is a favorite), but there are a lot of great ones I hadn't yet seen.

August Madness

Fill our your brackets! Which school will be the last to go fully online?

I am laughing to keep from crying. It's always been an important survival skill for me.

Also, I wish I had thought of this particular piece of snark.

(Tip of the cap to Barry Wellman.)

Cardboard "Fans" at Dodger Stadium

To make the cardboard fans at Dodger Stadium more realistic, one should only start placing them in the stands after the 3rd inning starts. ;)

(I write this as a die-hard, lifelong @Dodgers fan!) pic.twitter.com/t3EXkIXF2w

— Mason Porter (@masonporter) July 21, 2020

"I Am Here to Help"

My tweet went viral.

I am here to help. pic.twitter.com/JBQbTAPTQX

— Mason Porter (@masonporter) June 17, 2020

A Song for Today's Era of Social Distancing

First: How did I not think of Don't Stand So Close To Me (by The Police) as a snarky thing to pass along in today's efforts at social distancing?

Second: I am proud that one of my PhD students brought up this song in his e-mail just now. Between that and the fact that another of my PhD students has The Princess Bride as one of her favorite movies.

(In case you needed even more evidence that I have awesome students...)

"Contributed Tirades"

My contribution is "Contributed Tirades". I wonder if I have ever had any Invited Tirades?

Thanks to Dan Larremore for the inspiration!

The End of a Decade, with a Fair Starting Day

I'll let you know when my decade ends.

To do that, I'll first need to figure out when it started. ;)

Now, which starting point will allow me to maximize or minimize something interesting...

Oh, never mind; let's do this with a random-number generator: I get 2017.55793, which rounding to the nearest day (I'll round up), gives me a start to my decade of the 204th day of 2017.

My decade apparently started on 23 July 2017, so talk to me in 2027 about the end of my decade.

P.S. Happy New Year! (Well, in a few hours.)

Tales from the ArXiv: How Many Updates is the Record?

Well, the answer to the question that I posed two years ago was apparently "yes", but the authors did eventually stop uploading updates of their paper to arXiv after another three weeks or so (and five more updates).

I wonder if 16 versions of a paper is an arXiv record?

Social Seismology: The Chutzpah Scale

Personally, I think that we should measure chutzpah in a manner that is analogous to how we measure earthquakes.

Example usage: "Social seismologists are reporting that that incident registered as a 7.6 on the Chutzpah Scale, with an epicenter near Westwood." pic.twitter.com/EVQy8XUvC5

— Mason Porter (@masonporter) December 28, 2019

Really?

Every answer can result in a new question. — Yiddish proverb

— Yiddish Proverbs (@YiddishProverbs) December 22, 2019

Agent-Based Models with Emoji

This app lets one simulate cellular automata with emoji!

This may inspire some snark. Possibly.

I forgot about this thing! So much fun. Here's a little zombie simulation I threw together: https://t.co/vyn6zssehU

— Ted Aronson (@tedw4rd) December 14, 2019

(Tip of the cap to Alice Schwarze.)

The Devil's Mathematical Dictionary

Inspired by a comment in today's presentation, my new goal is to write a mathematics paper that uses the "Feeling" environment.

(This, in turn, inspired the present document. I decided to do this in a style akin to that of the Devil's Dictionary.) pic.twitter.com/UzpWKjQRRV

— Mason Porter (@masonporter) December 7, 2019

A Black Box with Weights on the Inside

I approve! ;)

Stitchfix algos did white elephant where we had to put a clue on the outside. So I made a black box with weights inside pic.twitter.com/Uc7dC2BElM

— Dr. Donut ☕️ (@BEBischof) December 6, 2019

(Tip of the cap to Adrienne Porter Felt [no relation].)

Tales from the ArXiv: "Tautological Algebra"

I feel like tautological algebra is what we get from many of our students.

Paper Title of the Day: "p-ing Everywhere"

The sort of paper title that one ultimately regrets, I think. pic.twitter.com/g19H4yTdn7

— Stuart Ritchie (@StuartJRitchie) November 10, 2019

(Tip of the cap to Chris Marcum.)

What Happens When You Finish a PhD in Complex Systems

No cynicism or snark at all. :P

When you finish a PhD in complex systems, they take you to a special room and tell you that people are not actually particles.

After you recover, you’re sworn to secrecy, and you can try to publish papers in Nature again. Either that, or you can now join a sociology department. https://t.co/jXAzDuoJ7o

— Mason Porter (@masonporter) September 22, 2019

(By the way, I have been enjoying various instances of this meme that I have encountered during the last couple of days.)

I Have "NoIDEA"

It turns out that there is a journal called "Nonlinear Differential Equations and Applications". The acronym it uses is "NoDEA".

I feel inspired!

I am going to start a journal called "Nonlinear Integro-Differential Equations and Applications", and its acronym will be "NoIDEA"!

— Mason Porter (@masonporter) September 18, 2019

My Six-Word Horror Story

"Microsoft Word format required for submissions."#SixWordHorror #SixWordHorrorStory https://t.co/NQ19cnvWio

— Mason Porter (@masonporter) June 18, 2019